I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
