My cat gives me a boner
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
