i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
