I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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