I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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