I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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