if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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