I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
