He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
