He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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