The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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