I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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