he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
