They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
