spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
