why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
