No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
