i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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