I just pynch a tree in the face
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
