I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
