The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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