We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
