were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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