I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My balls are so social today.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
