I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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