remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
