My cat gives me a boner
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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