I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
