my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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