how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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