wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
