Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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