Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
