my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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