explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
