Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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