note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
