my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
