Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
