i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
