I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
