I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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