Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
