can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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