dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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