I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
