Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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