I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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