Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
