a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
