Tell her she can't have a vagina
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
