We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
