the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
